


I'm Not Okay

by kiisuumii (lonesomeweeb)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female Reader, Heavy Angst, Mutual Pining, Other, Pining, Reader-Insert, also i do absolutely no editing, i post whatever comes out lmao, im sorry if this sucks, it was so much better in my head
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:36:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonesomeweeb/pseuds/kiisuumii
Summary: When everything has fallen apart, there is no other way than to build everything up again.But how could I forget you even if you have abandonded me?Park Chanyeol / Reader





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off jongdae's ost for missing 9!! it'll come in later on <3

She had believed that today was like any other– a day off without any schedule, a day to lounge around, a day to spend with friends if she wanted. It was a beautiful day where the sky was clear with the occasional cloud shielding her eyes from the sun; it poured into her room, and it was early afternoon when she had woken up.  


The night before was spent preparing for her group’s comeback that was nearing. As her eyes opened, she could feel the choreography to their title song in her legs, and she could feel her lines in the back of her throat. Humming the tune of the song, her hands reached for her cell phone as her legs swung over her bed. Her feet though didn’t fall atop the wooden flooring, and instead, slammed against them.  
It wasn’t too long ago that her group were on Music Bank pre recording their performing the title song for their comeback. Fan accounts of the afternoon were all over social media. She expected the episode to air later that night.  


“Why..?” She croaked, her eyes swelling with tears. Why didn’t they tell her?  


It were times like these, where she felt utterly hopeless and lost, that she would phone or message Chanyeol, her senior of the same company but someone she had grown so close to. And she did, but every passing ring of the phone caused the dread in her stomach to grow. Confused and distraught, she tried calling him three times, but there was no one to answer. She sat back onto her bed.  


“W-why..?”  


She only stared at the contact on her phone. She stared at all of them– the members of her group, the very same people she had created close bonds with; her friends and seniors of her entertainment label; her managers and stylists. She realized just how alone she was. She felt groupless, labelless, friendless. What had she done to deserve this?  


Every part of her wanted to stomp to her company’s building and demand of the president a reason why. She felt so angry and lost, and all she wanted was an answer, but she realized as well that all she had left was her image and reputation. There was no salvaging her label, group, or friends; there was only herself. With a deep breath, there was no other choice for her to make but to find another company.  


It still hurt, however, to see her group members perform a comeback that she so much looked forward to without her; they knew how excited she was for it. It still hurt to not have her best friend not pick up the phone for her. She fell onto her back, dropping her phone somewhere in the sheets as she curled into herself. Her eyes began to tear up again as quiet sobs escaped her lips.  


The sunlight came in from behind the curtains. She needed a few days.


	2. Chapter 2

She saw Jessica in herself– abandoned by her own group and label, forced to start anew with nothing. It didn’t take long for rumors to spread about her eviction. 

“She wasn’t good enough; that’s why they kicked her out.” 

“She didn’t like her group members.” 

“Her health put her at risk of performing.” 

–only a few that she had heard. Her favorite, though, was: 

“She was getting too close to Chanyeol, and that wouldn’t have been good for either of their popularities.” 

Maybe she had grown too close to him. Maybe she spent too much time with him on her mind. Even so, it wasn’t fair, especially when the company had turned her former label mates against her. 

“( Y/N ) was removed due to actions that could have influenced her group members and those under our label negatively,” the company had said. 

“What S.M. Entertainment had said is untrue,” she had tried to say back, but she became a nobody in an instant. S.M.’s statement made it difficult to find another entertainment company to join. 

Dejected, she had almost considered giving up. She considered going back home, going back to school, disappearing from the public eye. Because she had nobody. Not even the person she trusted the most for the years she was a trainee and the short time she was a debuted idol was there for her. She wondered what S.M. had told Chanyeol; she wondered how he felt. 

She wondered whether he stayed up night after night like her, thinking about where things went wrong. She wondered if he was eating properly, if he was getting enough sleep, if he was taking care of himself, because she knew in times of distraught, he would always destroy himself. She wondered who was taking care of him now that she was gone. It broke her heart to think of all of it, but it was times where Chanyeol would drift into her thoughts that she found the most resilience. She wanted to mend whatever friendship they had left, she wanted to tell him the truth. 

It was one of those nights where she couldn’t find comfort in sleeping. The television was on some random channel, her eyes glued to it as she laid amongst her blankets. The channel began to play a rerun of Missing 9, and she almost changed it until she caught a glimpse of Chanyeol in his dirty, run-down costume and makeup. These were some of the only times when she could see or hear about him– on television, or on her social media feed or during her shifts at her part-time job. 

She missed him. She missed his voice and his hugs and his laugh. She missed his dumb jokes and his silly shenanigans. Thinking about him made her choke up, and she buried her face in her pillow. Hearing his deep voice on television with Jongdae’s OST track playing over it hurt her even more. 

_I’m not okay, I’m not well. I still have you in a corner of my heart._


	3. Chapter 3

She was thankful that during the time she manned the register at the coffee shop she worked part time at no one noticed who she was. She didn’t know what she would do if someone did. She didn’t want to think about the things people would ask or tell her. She didn’t want to think of all the bad things that could happen. 

She did think, though, of when she would hear of Chanyeol. Whenever she would take the bus or walk to the coffee shop, she would think of hypothetical situations, over thinking the things that could happen. She did just that this morning, her thoughts muddled with Chanyeol. 

She would be at the register or cleaning off tables, and she would hear his name. She would recognize it and listen quietly. 

“Did you see Chanyeol’s instagram post from this morning?” Someone would say. 

“Yeah, he spoke about ( Y/N ) and her leaving…” Someone else would whisper. 

“I can’t believe he said that… I thought they were friends for a long time…” The first person would mumble as they pulled up the post. 

( Y/N ) found millions of possibilities as to what he might say. She would think of so many positive things, in hopes that one day he would actually defend her, but all the negative things she came up with outweighed her hopes; if anything, she knew that he would one day post something horrible about her. 

Bussing tables that morning, with her daydreams still in her thoughts, gave her anxiety; in the pit of her stomach, she could feel a heaviness and the need to throw up what little breakfast she could force herself to eat. In the middle of finishing up the last dirty table, it happened– his name slipped out of a girl’s mouth. And then another’s. ( Y/N ) dared not to turn around and only settled for eavesdropping on their conversation after one squealed. 

“Did you see the selfie he posted today?!” One gushed. 

“Aaahh! I didn’t! Show me! Show me!” The other raved. 

Hearing them squeal over her long-time friend, her best friend, the one she thought would be there for her always, caused her heart to feel tight. She could feel a prickly pain in her stomach. And a bubble of jealousy..? Hearing them gush over him didn’t sit right with ( Y/N ); she couldn’t stand it, and she wanted it to stop. The grip she held on the rag she was using to wipe away crumbs and puddles of liquid off the tables tightened but then slowly loosened as she realized how futile it was, how useless everything was. 

Who was she to feel this way? It was feeling close to him that most likely caused her eviction from S.M. There was no doubt that this was the reason. S.M. in the past believed that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were becoming too close, so they had Taeyeon and Baekhyun date. It was no different with her; the only difference was that she was dispensable, unlike Baekhyun or Chanyeol. 

_It would be best to forget about him, ( Y/N )..._ She thought to herself, shaking away any feeling of jealousy and uneasiness. She resumed her duties, but even if she had tried to forget, every now and then, she found him slipping into her thoughts. 

_I guess they think I’m happy because I’m smiling. Although my heart, my true feelings is still you._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is rlly bad because i kinda just forced it out, soooo ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

When night came, she felt too exhausted to even change out of her coffee shop uniform. She fell onto her bed with a heavy exhale and curled into her blankets. Every day since her removal from S.M. was torturous. Seeing her former group mates performing and hearing their title song everywhere she went was as if someone ripped her heart out, stapled it back in, and ripped it out again whenever she heard it again. And hearing about Chanyeol and any of her former friends at work or on social media made everything worse. She didn’t know how much more she could take. 

Lifting herself off her bed, she blankly stared at the turned-off television; now would be about the time that Missing 9 would air. With another sigh, she scrambled for the TV remote and switched it on. Even if it brought her pain, she missed Chanyeol so much and watching his drama was the only time she could see and hear him. ( Y/N ) stared up at him with a mix of sorrow and adoration; she missed him _so much_. And whenever the episode ended, she would be left with an empty feeling in her chest; she wished for more. And when Jongdae’s OST played, her hollow feeling grew worse, because she could relate to no song more. 

“I’m barely holding it in, but no one knows,” he would sing, and she would start crying. Each time she listened to it, she would feel her eyes begin to water. 

Switching the television off again, she laid with her pillow hugged against her, desperately wishing that it was Chanyeol she was holding. She missed his hugs, being pressed against his wide chest, and she missed listening to his heartbeat. She missed the time when they compared hand sizes, and she missed the time when they had a water balloon fight in the summer. She missed the nights when the pressure of being an idol got to her and he was there to calm her down. She missed the days when he would forget to eat and she would bring him something she had made. 

She wanted to post something on instagram after being so inactive for so long. She didn’t know how people would react to it, but she pushed any negative thoughts out of her mind. She searched through her camera roll for the first time since she left S.M. for an old memory. She found a photo she had taken the day Chanyeol and her celebrated his birthday, and looking back at it, she smiled. 

“I miss these days,” she had typed out. And as she pressed post, she thought about what Chanyeol would think, and if he would post something in response. 

“He probably won’t,” she whispered to herself. “He probably unfollowed me, or worse, blocked me.” But that didn’t matter to her; at that moment, she felt content for the first time since she debuted. 

In the minutes that followed, she couldn’t help but realize that she was close to Chanyeol. She noticed how, in the past, she felt so happy to be with him. She noticed how her palm became sweaty when they compared hand sizes. She noticed how she loved taking care of him, being there for him, supporting him. She realized then just how in love she was with him. 

She felt a sickness in the pit of her stomach and yet a thrill in her heart. Was this what she had been feeling this whole time? Was that why she was so jealous the other day? 

“I love him.” The way the words felt on her tongue eased her sickness. “I love him,” she whispered, which turned into a sob when she began to really comprehend it all. 

“I really love him.”


End file.
